Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tomorrow is the day
I can't believe that tomorrow we find out if we are going to be parents. I am a ball of emotions today. It's been a long road, but I really feel like today has been the hardest. I have so many thoughts going through my head. I've been staying strong and positive throughout this journey and today I feel so mixed up. I want to believe that it worked and there's a baby (or 2) growing inside of me right now, but I'm so scared to be disappointed. I'm also scared about disappointing others. I know that regardless, my friends and family will be supportive, but I know how badly others are wanting this to happen for us. I've only cried 3 times during this process: the 1st was the day we took the injection class because it hit me that this was our path, the 2nd was the day of transfer when I realized I had 2 perfect embryos inside me finally, and the 3rd was today. It might sounds silly but I watched a Pampers commercial that talked about different ways babies are brought into this world and they showed IVF. I lost it. I just kept thinking about how badly I want this and how hard J and I have worked to have a child. This has got to be it, right?? With just about everything else in life, you work hard enough for it and most of the time you get it eventually. My heart tells me that this is my time to be a mom, but my mind says "Not so quick. There are no guarantees that it worked." I just need to get through these next 24 hours...that's it...but it seems so daunting. It's the unknown that always gets me.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Home stretch
As I am typing this there are cells growing in a petri dish 10 miles away that could result in beautiful babies...part J and part me. That is some crazy stuff to think about! I can't stop thinking about it...my future babies are growing right this second!
Thursday morning J and I went into ORM for my retrieval procedure. Things went better than I expected. They told us that 13 eggs were retrieved that day, but is about average for someone my age. Most of that day I just kind of hung out at home and recovered. There wasn't a lot of pain, just some minor discomfort. The next morning we got a call saying that out of the 13 eggs they retrieved, 10 of them were mature, and 8 of those fertilized. They told us that they're hoping that at least half of them will continue to grow to day 5 (and become blastocysts) at which time 2 will be transferred to my uterus and those left will be frozen in case we want to try for more babies in the future.
The last couple days leading up to the retrieval were pretty uncomfortable. I was more bloated than I've ever been in my life and I could literally feel my swollen ovaries inside me. Yesterday (day after retrieval) was the first day I've felt "normal" again, which I'm really happy about because I was told it would take awhile for the swelling to go down. J and I have been off since Thursday and we're just basking in the happiness that we've finally merged ourselves. Haha! Sounds funny, but it's been a long road of waiting for this moment of knowing we've conceived a child...and we've conceived 8!! Maybe I should put them all in and be the next Octomom?? No thanks!
I think the next step is that we'll receive a phone call Monday or Tuesday telling us how many are still growing. Tuesday at 12:45 we go in for the transfer. I'm being an acupuncturist to do a treatment on me before and after the transfer (apparently it helps with blood flow to the uterus and implantation success). I'll be on bed rest Tuesday and Wednesday, trying to keep myself busy with lots of funny movies, good reading, and tons of positive vibes to the babies to keep growing and "hunker down" for a the next 9 months. J will be at my beckon call, which he's great at anyway. After that it's back to work and I'll be trying to keep myself really busy and my mind occupied until the 13th when I go in for my blood work to find out if I'm pregnant!
I working hard to not let any negativity seep into my mind, which can be hard at times. I have so much faith that this our time, but I also know that no matter what happens...we'll be alright and keep working towards our dream.
Thursday morning J and I went into ORM for my retrieval procedure. Things went better than I expected. They told us that 13 eggs were retrieved that day, but is about average for someone my age. Most of that day I just kind of hung out at home and recovered. There wasn't a lot of pain, just some minor discomfort. The next morning we got a call saying that out of the 13 eggs they retrieved, 10 of them were mature, and 8 of those fertilized. They told us that they're hoping that at least half of them will continue to grow to day 5 (and become blastocysts) at which time 2 will be transferred to my uterus and those left will be frozen in case we want to try for more babies in the future.
The last couple days leading up to the retrieval were pretty uncomfortable. I was more bloated than I've ever been in my life and I could literally feel my swollen ovaries inside me. Yesterday (day after retrieval) was the first day I've felt "normal" again, which I'm really happy about because I was told it would take awhile for the swelling to go down. J and I have been off since Thursday and we're just basking in the happiness that we've finally merged ourselves. Haha! Sounds funny, but it's been a long road of waiting for this moment of knowing we've conceived a child...and we've conceived 8!! Maybe I should put them all in and be the next Octomom?? No thanks!
I think the next step is that we'll receive a phone call Monday or Tuesday telling us how many are still growing. Tuesday at 12:45 we go in for the transfer. I'm being an acupuncturist to do a treatment on me before and after the transfer (apparently it helps with blood flow to the uterus and implantation success). I'll be on bed rest Tuesday and Wednesday, trying to keep myself busy with lots of funny movies, good reading, and tons of positive vibes to the babies to keep growing and "hunker down" for a the next 9 months. J will be at my beckon call, which he's great at anyway. After that it's back to work and I'll be trying to keep myself really busy and my mind occupied until the 13th when I go in for my blood work to find out if I'm pregnant!
I working hard to not let any negativity seep into my mind, which can be hard at times. I have so much faith that this our time, but I also know that no matter what happens...we'll be alright and keep working towards our dream.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Just call me Pin cushion
As the title of this post states, I'm feeling a little...ok, a lot like a pin cushion right now. Currently I'm doing 3 shots a day (booty, thigh and belly), getting blood drawn every other day, and doing acupuncture once a week. Everything considered I have to say it's really not that bad. Luckily I'm not scared of needles but it was a little nerve racking the first time I realized this needed to go in me:
 | |
| J gets to jab me with this every morning |
I've been taking what they call "stims" (injections that stimulate my ovaries to grow multiple eggs) for 6 days now. The Dr. says everything's progressing as it should and I will likely be doing a trigger shot on Tues or Wed that makes me ovulate within 40 hours then 35hours after the shot I'll be going in for my egg retrieval procedure (Thurs or Fri). They'll fertilize as many mature eggs as they get and 5 days later (Oct. 4th or 5th), I'll have 2 embryos transferred into me. Then the waiting game continues for 9 days before I go in for my pregnancy blood test.
I'm still in disbelief that I might be pregnant in 10 days...CRAZY! I've gotten so much support from friends, family and women I've been talking to on infertility message boards. I'm definitely one lucky woman to have support around me, especially J. He's truly my rock right now. I've been staying positive and hopeful that this is going to work for us. I feel that I'm meant to be a mom and this is my time! I've been doing a lot of positive affirmations to make a habit out of thinking positively and pushing all though negative thoughts and doubts out of my mind.
I'll definitely be updating later this week as I'm recovering from my procedure. Until then, I'm chanting "Grow, eggies, grow!" =)
Thursday, September 8, 2011
This is the month!
It's been a while since I've updated and I realized quite a bit has been going on for me that I should write about. First of all, our last month of trying to conceive naturally didn't work out in our favor, but that's fine. Sad to say I'm kind of use to it at this point. So, we're working further towards getting this baby in a more scientific way with lotsa money and lotsa meds!
In the last month, J and I have gone to two informational classes at ORM. The first one was a couple hours going through exactly what to expect from the IVF process. I knew a lot of what they covered, but it was nice to have them review it and go into a little more depth. The second class covered injections and I got to practice on a little fake piece of skin. I have to admit it was a little overwhelming. I held it together for the class but afterward I sort of lost it. I think it all just hit me at once that we were really doing this. I threw a pity party for a bit but by the time we got home, I was fine. It definitely helped that my mom knew just when to call me to make me feel better.
A couple weeks ago I went and picked up all my medications. Ummm, yeah, pretty hefty stuff. The total cost was about $7000, but I got a bunch of discounts and stuff so it came to $4300. Still a ton of money for them. Here's what I'll be taking this month (and some will be for early pregnancy):
So where we're at right now is that I've been taking birth control pills since August 21st and will take my last one tomorrow. This Monday I started my first set of shots called Lupron, which are really no big deal because they're so tiny. The birth control pills and Lupron are supposed to suppress everything so that my ovaries basically are starting from ground zero when I start stimulating them (which starts on the 17th). Hopefully everything will stay according to my calendar (fingers crossed) and we'll be having the actually procedures at the end of the month! I keep thinking "I could be pregnant a month from now..." So weird, but amazing!!!
I'll try to update more often from now on since things are going to be happening weekly. One thing I forgot to mention is that I started acupuncture, which I LOVE! MY acupuncturist specializes in fertility so she'll be there at the clinic on the day of the embryo transfer to do a treatment before and after. Studies have shown that acupuncture can help with blood flow which is important when implantation happens. Not only is she helping with that, but alleviating headaches, allergies and stress too. She's amazing and she's my doctor's acupuncturist, so that makes me feel like I'm in good hands too.
Now it's time to finish the work week so I can go spend some relaxing time with J and Koda in the woods. Really looking forward to this "getaway" before all the craziness of numerous shots and doctors appointments happens!
In the last month, J and I have gone to two informational classes at ORM. The first one was a couple hours going through exactly what to expect from the IVF process. I knew a lot of what they covered, but it was nice to have them review it and go into a little more depth. The second class covered injections and I got to practice on a little fake piece of skin. I have to admit it was a little overwhelming. I held it together for the class but afterward I sort of lost it. I think it all just hit me at once that we were really doing this. I threw a pity party for a bit but by the time we got home, I was fine. It definitely helped that my mom knew just when to call me to make me feel better.
A couple weeks ago I went and picked up all my medications. Ummm, yeah, pretty hefty stuff. The total cost was about $7000, but I got a bunch of discounts and stuff so it came to $4300. Still a ton of money for them. Here's what I'll be taking this month (and some will be for early pregnancy):
So where we're at right now is that I've been taking birth control pills since August 21st and will take my last one tomorrow. This Monday I started my first set of shots called Lupron, which are really no big deal because they're so tiny. The birth control pills and Lupron are supposed to suppress everything so that my ovaries basically are starting from ground zero when I start stimulating them (which starts on the 17th). Hopefully everything will stay according to my calendar (fingers crossed) and we'll be having the actually procedures at the end of the month! I keep thinking "I could be pregnant a month from now..." So weird, but amazing!!!
I'll try to update more often from now on since things are going to be happening weekly. One thing I forgot to mention is that I started acupuncture, which I LOVE! MY acupuncturist specializes in fertility so she'll be there at the clinic on the day of the embryo transfer to do a treatment before and after. Studies have shown that acupuncture can help with blood flow which is important when implantation happens. Not only is she helping with that, but alleviating headaches, allergies and stress too. She's amazing and she's my doctor's acupuncturist, so that makes me feel like I'm in good hands too.
Now it's time to finish the work week so I can go spend some relaxing time with J and Koda in the woods. Really looking forward to this "getaway" before all the craziness of numerous shots and doctors appointments happens!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Gaining momentum...
I thought it was funny that when I met with my nurse yesterday she used some analogy about us being on the home stretch and I'm thinking "We just started!" Haha!
The past two days have been FILLED with testing. Not to get too graphic, but I have been poked, prodded, you name it! Seriously starting to feel like a science experiment here and I haven't even started the injections yet. Yesterday was great though. J came with me to ORM and I had my last testing procedures done there to make sure my uterus was fine and that there won't be any issues implanting the embryos when it comes time for that. We were able to talk with the the nurse and received our IVF calendar (which is seriously like the golden ticket). It's very exciting to be able to look at an actual piece of paper that maps out when everything will take place, what medications I'll be on when, and most importantly, when I'll be getting pregnant!
This is kind of the run down according to my calendar (assuming that things are crazy with my cycle again):
Now-Aug 23: Relaxing and preparing for everything, attending a couple informational classes about IVF
Aug 23-Sept 16: Take birth control pills to suppress/calm everything
Sept 16 - Sept 26ish: Daily injections to stimulate multiple eggs to mature
Around Sept 26: Egg retrieval (hopefully they get lots) and fertilization
Around Oct 1: Egg transfer/two days bed rest, lots of positive thinking and prayers =)
Around Oct 10: Pregnancy test!!!!!!!!
So...this is officially our last month to get pregnant naturally. You know what that means...BOW CHICKA WOW WOW! Haha!
The past two days have been FILLED with testing. Not to get too graphic, but I have been poked, prodded, you name it! Seriously starting to feel like a science experiment here and I haven't even started the injections yet. Yesterday was great though. J came with me to ORM and I had my last testing procedures done there to make sure my uterus was fine and that there won't be any issues implanting the embryos when it comes time for that. We were able to talk with the the nurse and received our IVF calendar (which is seriously like the golden ticket). It's very exciting to be able to look at an actual piece of paper that maps out when everything will take place, what medications I'll be on when, and most importantly, when I'll be getting pregnant!
This is kind of the run down according to my calendar (assuming that things are crazy with my cycle again):
Now-Aug 23: Relaxing and preparing for everything, attending a couple informational classes about IVF
Aug 23-Sept 16: Take birth control pills to suppress/calm everything
Sept 16 - Sept 26ish: Daily injections to stimulate multiple eggs to mature
Around Sept 26: Egg retrieval (hopefully they get lots) and fertilization
Around Oct 1: Egg transfer/two days bed rest, lots of positive thinking and prayers =)
Around Oct 10: Pregnancy test!!!!!!!!
So...this is officially our last month to get pregnant naturally. You know what that means...BOW CHICKA WOW WOW! Haha!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
It's go time!
I feel like I've been waiting for so long to start this IVF journey and it's finally here! It's kinda surreal actually that, if everything goes well, I could be pregnant by mid-October!!
So, the week started off pretty rough. I had been (impatiently) waiting for my period to arrive over the weekend (day 1 I was supposed to call and schedule testing for day 3)...and it's usually pretty predictable, so when I didn't start on time I was a little worried/nervous/frustrated. I was spotting for about 3 days when I decided to call the clinic and let them know what was going on. I was really worried that, for whatever reason, this would be my period and I would miss it and have to start the IVF process next month. The nurse told me to take a pregnancy test to see if by chance I was pregnant (I guess crazier things have happened), so I did and of course it was negative. She decided to have me come in and see if we could at least determine if I had started or not and what was going on, so that we don't miss our opportunity. I went in about an hour later and did an ultrasound (to look at my uterus lining and follicles) and some blood work (including a beta pregnancy test). I got a call later that afternoon from the clinic saying that I hadn't even started my period yet, so I needed to wait for a heavier flow and call them. The really frustrating part is that I basically spent $500 for all that testing, just to be told that my period hasn't started. Grrr! After a little bit of fuming, I decided that I needed to get over it and move on because these next few months are probably going to be filled with things I can't control. The more positive and optimistic I can stay, the better the outcome.
That was all on Tuesday, so the next day I get somewhat of a regular flow and call the clinic back to schedule the testing to be redone on Friday. Went in on Friday and had the exact same tests (minus the pregnancy test) and was able talk with my Dr. for a bit about the ultrasound findings. She said that she saw 9 follicles, which basically means that if I were to take the hormones now to mature them, I would hopefully get 9 eggs to be fertilized. I'm not starting hormones for another 8 weeks or so, but she was just explaining how the more follicles present, the better our chances of getting the most eggs retrieved, fertilized, and even though only 2 are going back in me...we would freeze and be able to meet the other ones later on. With all that being said, she basically said that I have less follicles that she would like to see in someone my age, but that it can defer month to month, so hopefully this is just an "off" month for me. I was able to sit down and talk with my nurse (she is amazing!) who answered a lot of "what next" questions...and her answer was more testing, testing, testing. So I go back next Thursday for more testing! Woo hoo! Probably right about the next time I go in I'll be able to get a calendar of exactly what my IVF schedule will be based on the medications I have to take and all that. Friday afternoon I got the results from my blood work, which the nurse said were perfect! They were testing to see what my level of hormone is for being able to mature follicles, so that I have the best potential to get as many eggs as possible. So, that's great news!
Yeah, so lots of stuff going on and I'm so ready for the craziness that will be my life over the next 8-10 weeks. The end result will make all this testing, money spending, frustration, etc. not even matter anymore. Can't wait to be able to say "I'm pregnant!!!!!" =D
So, the week started off pretty rough. I had been (impatiently) waiting for my period to arrive over the weekend (day 1 I was supposed to call and schedule testing for day 3)...and it's usually pretty predictable, so when I didn't start on time I was a little worried/nervous/frustrated. I was spotting for about 3 days when I decided to call the clinic and let them know what was going on. I was really worried that, for whatever reason, this would be my period and I would miss it and have to start the IVF process next month. The nurse told me to take a pregnancy test to see if by chance I was pregnant (I guess crazier things have happened), so I did and of course it was negative. She decided to have me come in and see if we could at least determine if I had started or not and what was going on, so that we don't miss our opportunity. I went in about an hour later and did an ultrasound (to look at my uterus lining and follicles) and some blood work (including a beta pregnancy test). I got a call later that afternoon from the clinic saying that I hadn't even started my period yet, so I needed to wait for a heavier flow and call them. The really frustrating part is that I basically spent $500 for all that testing, just to be told that my period hasn't started. Grrr! After a little bit of fuming, I decided that I needed to get over it and move on because these next few months are probably going to be filled with things I can't control. The more positive and optimistic I can stay, the better the outcome.
That was all on Tuesday, so the next day I get somewhat of a regular flow and call the clinic back to schedule the testing to be redone on Friday. Went in on Friday and had the exact same tests (minus the pregnancy test) and was able talk with my Dr. for a bit about the ultrasound findings. She said that she saw 9 follicles, which basically means that if I were to take the hormones now to mature them, I would hopefully get 9 eggs to be fertilized. I'm not starting hormones for another 8 weeks or so, but she was just explaining how the more follicles present, the better our chances of getting the most eggs retrieved, fertilized, and even though only 2 are going back in me...we would freeze and be able to meet the other ones later on. With all that being said, she basically said that I have less follicles that she would like to see in someone my age, but that it can defer month to month, so hopefully this is just an "off" month for me. I was able to sit down and talk with my nurse (she is amazing!) who answered a lot of "what next" questions...and her answer was more testing, testing, testing. So I go back next Thursday for more testing! Woo hoo! Probably right about the next time I go in I'll be able to get a calendar of exactly what my IVF schedule will be based on the medications I have to take and all that. Friday afternoon I got the results from my blood work, which the nurse said were perfect! They were testing to see what my level of hormone is for being able to mature follicles, so that I have the best potential to get as many eggs as possible. So, that's great news!
Yeah, so lots of stuff going on and I'm so ready for the craziness that will be my life over the next 8-10 weeks. The end result will make all this testing, money spending, frustration, etc. not even matter anymore. Can't wait to be able to say "I'm pregnant!!!!!" =D
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Beautiful words
I found this poem on an infertility message board that really struck me and I had to share...
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother."
I got a little emotional reading this poem because so many pieces of it are words that I have been thinking and saying for a while now. It's unfortunate that J and I have to go through all this to achieve something that others barely have to work to attain, but I know it will make us more grateful, caring and aware/appreciative of the smaller things in life.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother."
I got a little emotional reading this poem because so many pieces of it are words that I have been thinking and saying for a while now. It's unfortunate that J and I have to go through all this to achieve something that others barely have to work to attain, but I know it will make us more grateful, caring and aware/appreciative of the smaller things in life.
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