ORM appointment

Yesterday, J and I finally had our initial consultation at ORM and I'm happy to say that it went really well! I absolutely love our doctor (Dr. Elizabeth Barbieri). I was referred to her by someone and I can see why she loved her so much. I have to say that a lot of the consult was a review for me since I've been researching IVF like crazy for the past few months. I asked her about how my high BMI would affect our success rates (which I already knew the answer to, but I wanted to hear it from her). She told me that chances can be 30% lower if an IVF patient is overweight. She was very caring and sweet about it, but basically told me that to increase my odds of conceiving, having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, I should lose 20-30lbs. Luckily, I had been preparing myself for this for a while so I wasn't shocked or anything.

Here's the time line she gave us:
1st month of treatment (will start at the end of July): testing phase
2nd month of treatment: Prep phase
3rd month of treatment: Egg retrieval/implantation & hopefully a positive pregnancy test by October!!

So, that gives me a total of 4 months before I would be pregnant...4 months to lose 20-30lbs! I know I can do it. This is the biggest motivation for me ever and I don't even look at it as an option to not lose the weight. That means as of right now my mindset has changed from waiting for answers and a plan to ...OPERATION: GETTING FIT TO GET FAT! Haha!

One more week...

...until we finally see our doctor at the fertility clinic to find out when we can get this show on the road!!! I've been feeling incredibly positive, hopeful, and anxious for this day to come. One thing I've been worrying about for a while is whether or not the doctor will suggest that I lose weight before starting IVF. So, I've decided to be proactive and start a new diet to lose a little weight before we even go. If she suggests that I lose more, I'll keep at it as long as I need. I've been doing it a little less than a week and I've lost quite a bit already!

Some great news that I haven't mentioned yet is that about a week and a half ago we found out J's blood test results for Cystic Fibrosis and it was NEGATIVE!! He does not have it and is not a carrier! We're really happy because we now we don't have to worry about me getting tested or our babies being at risk. At the same time, we still don't have a clear explanation about the reason for the missing seminal vesicle. We're thinking it may just be a birth defect.

Something really interesting (and kind of creepy) that happened last week was that J told me a co worker that knows he's married, but doesn't know we're moving towards IVF (or even that we've been trying to conceive), told him that she had a dream about us and we had 2 babies (!!!). She didn't say twins, but she said we were putting two infant car seats in an SUV. Isn't that crazy?!?! Of course I got all excited hoping that this woman is psychic or something. Please be a premonition!

Mother's Day

For the past couple years mother's day has been difficult because of wanting to be a mother so badly. Today was different for so many reasons. First of all, after training for several months, I completed my first 5k run since I was in high school. I decided to do this because I feel like I'm usually the type of person that starts lots of new things but has a difficult time finishing, especially when it comes to fitness and nutrition. I committed myself to the 5k because I knew it was something I could do if I stuck with it. I needed to prove that I don't always give up on myself. Well, after starting out the race a little rough (uphill most of the first mile was brutal), I finished out strong and came in under the time I had expected. The most amazing part was how accomplished and proud of myself I felt. During the race I kept thinking about my future babies and how I want to be a good example for them and I want to be healthy for them. I was also thinking about my mom and how determined she's always been in her life. I've always despised running, but who knows, maybe I'll become a runner after all!

Three more weeks until we go to the doctor to figure out our IVF time frame! I'm nervous and excited. This is what we've been waiting for, but I still have this thought in the back of my mind that something's going to go wrong or something unexpected will come up and deter everything. It sounds pessimistic but that's how our lives have been for a while now. We work so hard for what we want and then life happens and says "Not so fast!" Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball to see what our future looks like. What's the outcome of all this going to be? But I guess that's the fun of life...never knowing what's around the corner.

Positive thoughts

“May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.”

 

One of the things that often comes with infertility is a sense of envy, jealousy or asking "why not me?" when someone announces they're pregnant. It's something I've definitely struggled with throughout this whole journey. I'm not proud to say that I've had those negative thoughts and judgments about people that I didn't feel were ready or fit to be parents. I realize now that's a normal process that we often go through when grieving over something we aren't able to make happen. 

 

Today I found out about another friend who is expecting and my first emotion was anger, but then quickly did some processing and realized that I don't have a reason to be angry or envious because my day is coming. Yes, there are lots of people who are able to conceive naturally without trying that hard, but is that something I should hold against them just because I can't?? Of course not. So, I sent a text congratulating her and accepting her invitation to hang out soon. I am realizing that the negativity will not get me anywhere and will likely eat away at me like a disease. So, I'm done with it. Life isn't always fair, but you have to work with what you've got. I'm lucky enough to be able to utilize the medical technology we have today. There are many that can't say that, so I need to be grateful and keep my eye on the goal of becoming a mommy! May 27th is our first consultation with our fertility doctor at ORM. I'm so excited and hoping we'll get a plan for moving forward with treatment for the summer! I was referred to this doctor by a woman in Portland that I've been talking to on a message board. She said some amazing things about her and she's now pregnant with twins!

Love this video...

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/41755675#41755675

 I love hearing about stories like this! It brought me a lot of hope today and has motivated me to join the RESOLVE infertility support group that meets monthly. 

IVF it is!

This week I emailed the urologist with a bunch of questions because there was some confusion about his recommendations after J's ultrasound. He wrote me back, pretty bluntly stating that IUI (intrauterine insemination) would not be an option for us and IVF is definitely recommended. So, there's no way to get around it. Unless some miracle happens and we conceive naturally, which is pretty unlikely, we'll be heading down the IVF route. I was pretty sure this would be the case, so I'm not really surprised. I guess I just had a little hope that he would say IUI would be possible because it's so much cheaper, less time consuming and less invasive on my body.

 Egg being fertilized with a single sperm (ICSI procedure)

Last night J and I attended a seminar at Oregon Reproductive Medicine, which is one of the fertility clinics in Portland. Apparently they're one of the best in the country with one of the highest success rates (72.5%), so we definitely wanted to see what they were all about. Another option for us is to stick with OHSU, which is where J's been going for his urology stuff. We'll have to do more research about them though. One thing we're very sure of is that it's going to be EXPENSIVE. At the seminar they were saying about $17,000 per cycle! That's including everything (tests, ultrasounds, medications, etc.). We've already gotten a lot of the required tests done and I'm hoping insurance would be able to cover even a portion of the treatments, but most insurances in Oregon don't cover fertility treatments. I think the best part of the seminar was being in a room with other people that I knew were going through similar things as us. Infertility is such a taboo topic and most people feel uncomfortable talking openly about it. Hearing others share their struggles and asking questions about what their options are really put me at ease...because I didn't feel alone anymore.

So, I guess "the plan" is for J to get blood work done (to test for cystic fibrosis) and a biopsy so they can retrieve and freeze sperm. Meanwhile, we'll need to come up with a way to pay for this baby! We've saved quite a bit, but we joke about standing outside with signs that say "Need $$ for test tube baby!" Haha!! I wonder how many people would help?? Seriously, if people give to those that have signs that say "Why lie? I need a beer!" or "Ninjas kidnapped my parents. Need $$ for kung fu lessons." then why wouldn't they give to us?

Anyway, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I have a tentative date of hopefully starting the treatment in July or August since my insurance doesn't kick back in until July 1st. Treatment takes about 10 weeks, so that would be great to be pregnant by mid September. That would mean a baby by June 2012!!

Feeling hopeful

Today I'm feeling hopeful and trying to make it last. A couple different reasons why: J and I have been doing a lot of talking lately and, despite being told by the urologist that we will likely not be able to conceive naturally, we're not going to just give up on it. "It takes just one." That's what J said last night. Also, after talking to a dear friend of my mine who was told the same thing and is now expecting a baby girl, who was conceived naturally, I'm seeing that it's real. I also go on fertility message boards and hear of women who have tried IVF or are about and conceive naturally. My attitude right now is let's keep trying hard to have this baby naturally, but if it comes down to it, we'll do whatever it takes to conceive - whether it's assisted reproduction or not. I've already told myself "This is my year to get pregnant!" In the meantime, I'm signing up to attend an infertility support group though RESOLVE (www.resolve.com) and a seminar at Oregon Reproductive Medicine (www.oregonreproductivemedicine.com) to get more information about our options. I'm also going to turn into a total "bug-a-boo" and call the doctor until I find out how I can get some answers out of him regarding the ultrasound results and his recommendations.

 

It's amazing that through this, J and I have gotten so much stronger and continue to remain connected because it really does take a toll on a couple. I remain understanding and non-blaming because this isn't his issue, it's OURS and we'll get through it together. Everyday we want this baby more and more and we're gonna make it happen.